My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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