And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
