i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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