i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
