you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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