Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
