you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
