So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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