Your dad touched me again.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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