He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
