It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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