i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
