Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
