I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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