Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
