I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
