Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My life is pants optional.
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