i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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