So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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