Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
