someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
