I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
