"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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