worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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