STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
