I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
