i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I did not marry a roomba.
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