My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
