Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
