He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
