i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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