i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
