Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
