if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
