my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
