he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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