Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
