I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
