You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
