I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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