im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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