So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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