oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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