As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
