i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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