What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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