I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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