I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
