I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
