when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
