I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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